Alien Abductions

Anyone who knows me, knows I am a worrier.  I worry about everything.  But the thing I worry about the most, is alien abduction…or leaving the stove on and burning down the house, but for the sake of this article, let’s just stick with alien abduction.

I know a bit about the topic because I have been abducted, several times, and it is very inconvenient.

An artist's rendition of how I looked following my abduction.

An artist’s rendition of how I looked following my abduction.

In 2007,  I wrote a 750-word article for Connecticut Magazine, called “Alien Abduction in Farmington.” It told the harrowing tale of how I was tossed into a UFO by a group of grouchy aliens who accidentally landed in the Farmington Flats near Rattlesnake Mountain.


During my abduction, I was fingerprinted, weighed, stripped naked, and given a breathalyzer. I was then asked if I consented to the abduction. I shrugged and said, “sure.”

I was asked to climb onto an exam table where my feet were placed in stirrups. I was then slowly, deeply and rhythmically probed by an alien named Ogden – at least that was what it said on his lapel.

When Ogden finished his probing, the alien captain*, who watched the entire probing and took copious notes, then began yelling at the alien who was looking at the map. He seemed very confused and grouchy, and kept shrugging his shoulders.

The aliens allowed me to take a bubble bath, before dropping me off at a Dunkin Donuts.

Whatever reason the aliens had for snatching me, remains a mystery. These aliens said I would see them again, but I have not. However other aliens have since abducted me, and some of that was really weird.

*I presumed he was the captain because he wore a kaiser helmet.

A kaiser helmet.

A kaiser helmet.

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KennyAlien Abductions