Coconuts are Mammals


A coconut being murdered.








You know how sometimes you throw yourself into a cause and use all your energy and resources fighting for it? Well, I don’t. So I decided to give it a try, and boy have I found a worthy cause.


You probably don’t spend much time thinking about coconuts, I know I didn’t, until my neighbor Mr. Biggs came over to collect the rent I owe him for casting shadows onto his house. While I was writing him a check he proceeded to inform me that he was involved with a volunteer group who needed some financial support. He proceeded to tell me about People For The Ethical Treatment of Coconuts.

It turns out that coconuts are mammals. I did not know this, but it is true. You see, coconuts have hair and produce milk. That makes them mammals. And yet every single morning in America, millions of poor, innocent coconuts are beaten to death with a hammer, their flesh is eaten, their milk is consumed. It is absolutely barbaric.

So I wrote a check for $10,000, made payable to Mr. Biggs, but in the memo section I wrote, “Donation to People for the Ethical Treatment of Coconuts” so I would be able to claim it on my taxes. Then Toby and I made our protest signs and began picketing grocery store produce sections.

Things got a bit out of control when an elderly security guard at Gnazzo’s told us we would have to leave. I told him that his gestapo tactics would not be tolerated. He then pointed out that Toby was eating a Mounds.





I rushed up to Toby, clutching the lapels of his gold lamé dinner jacket and asked him what he was doing.

“Sometimes you feel like a nut. I currently do not,” he said.

“That has coconut,” I said.

Toby’s face went ashen.

“Oh, my god,” he whispered. “I’m a cannibal!” He then threw his arms in the air and ran from the grocery store wailing.

He’s been in the bathroom for the last two hours brushing his teeth.

I am going to write a letter.


Here it is:

I think I will send this to a few grocery stores I know…




Dear Sir or Madam:

My name is Kenneth Snipps and I need your help.

It has recently come to my attention that coconuts are mammals. As I am sure you know, a mammal has hair and produces milk, and so do coconuts.

As a result, I think you owe coconuts the same level of respect and curtesy that all other mammals currently being served as food in your store receive.

Beef, pork, and poultry are all processed prior to arriving at your store, by professionals who know what they are doing. But not the lowly coconut. No. The poor, innocent coconut is left whole and alive. It is then sold in your store, where the customer is allowed to bring it home and beat it to death with a hammer on the kitchen table. This is horrible and must stop. Please.

The coconut deserves the same ethical treatment afforded all the other mammals you serve.

At your earliest convenience please draft a response that explains your plan of action.

Also, if you have some magnets, could you send me some?

Thank you for reading and responding to my letter.

Your friend,

Kenneth Snipps

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KennyCoconuts are Mammals