Mr. Crowley

My neighbor Mr. Biggs stood in his driveway, clutching a garden hose like a microphone.  He bent his legs, arched his back, and bellowed to the twilight sky.

Mr. Crowley, what went down in your head

Oh, Mr. Crowley. Did you talk to the dead?

He stopped singing and asked me if I knew that song.

I smiled broadly and said, “Nope.”

“In that case let me tell you a story,” he said, getting the smile he often has. “It’s about a mystical wizard, a congerer of the dead, a sorcerer of dark magic.  In other words, a car salesman.”

He went on to explain in remarkable detail how Ozzy Osbourne once needed a car while he was vacationing in Forestville. After an intense negotiation, he decided to buy one from Ken Crowley’s Jeep/Chrysler on historic Route 72.

But the dealership’s inability to deliver on a promise of a mobile guillotine and hot tub to be towed behind the vehicle,  left Mr. Osbourne quite cross, resulting in the song “Mr. Crowley” on his album Blizzard of Ozz.



This is the man Ozzy Osbourne sings about.


This was great news because it gave me an idea.  So I drafted this letter:




Ken Crowley
Crowley Auto Group
Bristol, CT 06010

Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is Kenneth Snipps and I need your help.

Recently my neighbor Mr. Biggs told me about how Ozzy Osbourne wrote a song about automobile magnate Ken Crowley called “Mr. Crowley.”  I was wondering if Mr. Crowley would be willing to autograph a copy of the album with that song on it, so I could give it to my friend Toby as a birthday gift.

Do I have to send you a copy of the record or do you just have stacks of them on hand?

Please respond soon.  If you refuse this request I will be forced to find an alternative gift, which is a shame because this would be perfect since I think Toby likes Ozzy Osbourne.

Thank you for reading and responding to my letter.

Your friend,



Kenneth Snipps


UPDATE 8/13/14

crowley signed

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KennyMr. Crowley