Ever since I was a little boy, I have been fascinated by the legend of the Loch Ness Monster. “Nessie” – as she is known to friends and colleagues – is likely a dinosaur-type creature with a serpent’s neck, who has evaded detection in the cold, dark, Scottish waters for a few million years.


Now it is true that the best evidence of the monster’s existence is a 1934 photograph that has been revealed to be a hoax, however I choose not to believe that.

That’s why I am putting together an expedition to prove once and for all that monsters do exist. So if you own a large company, I am seeking corporate sponsorship. Me and my crew (Toby, Sparky and Norbert) will wear orange jumpsuits* with your company patch sewed onto them, during all of our press conferences or when eating in public. This sort of exposure will surely offset the cost of sponsorship. Also, Norbert promised to do naked sit-ups if people aren’t paying attention to us. He’s very dedicated to the cause…and he likes being naked.

* they are actually prison outfits Sparky stole from the Department of Corrections…but don’t tell anyone.

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